Freeway Personalities

by Hero Jenkins

Now that I am back in California I find myself once again trapped with this moving mass of people we call commuters. 

When freeway traffic is flowing normally it's easy to miss the personalities that inhabit our daily commute. 

Since I am an observer of human nature and since I had nothing better to do, I gave them all names. For those of you who don't live in a state where the freeway is king, I have compiled those names and provided you with a handy guide to the 13 distinct freeway personalities that I've observed. I have developed some of these on my own, others came from consultation with my kids. I am sure there are more and of course there will be hybrids, but these are the basic personalities:

The Squatter
The Make-up Artist
The Dasher
The Lane Lagger
The Multi-tasker
The Speed Racer
The Bully
The Metro Hippy
The Cool Guy
Wannabes
The Entitled Gentlemen
The Overly Cautious Driver
The Daredevil

This first one is a category of driver that only feels comfortable in the fast lane. I like to call this first one the SQUATTER. The speed limit for most California freeways is 65 miles per hour and though there are ample signs posted, most people treat the posted speed limit as if it were merely a suggestion. As a result we have set aside the far left lane as the FAST LANE for those who need to violate the speed limit law for whatever reason. The Squatter will make a beeline to the fast lane and then they “squat”. They will drive the maximum of 63.5 mph because they want to make sure that they do not exceed the 65 mph speed limit. Naturally they are willing to drive slower than 63.45 mph, but never faster. You can usually spot the Squatter by the long line of over caffeinated drivers behind them honking their horns.

The “Make-up Artist” is supremely competent in her ability to drive without watching the road. She is often seen putting make-up and combing her hair in the rear view mirror while driving with her knees.

Then there is one guy who is my personal favorite. I call him the “Dasher”. He is always that guy who feels that he can get ahead in bumper-to-bumper traffic by constantly changing lanes. The first time you see this guy is usually in your rear view mirror. He is running up the tailpipe of the car in front of him. As soon as he notices a sliver of a gap between cars in the next lane he dashes over and so on and so on until he disappears. The next time you see the “Dasher” is you guessed it… in your rearview mirror because ultimately all of that dashing about gets him nowhere. And inevitably he gets trapped behind a convoy of garbage trucks and looses ground. Before he knows it he has relinquished his dashing gains and has to begin his mad dash all over again.

Next up is the “Lane Lagger”. This guy is almost the opposite of the dasher. The recommended distance between cars travelling in the same direction is one car length for every ten miles per hour… of course nobody does that. Except of course the “Lane Lagger”. In fact the “lane lagger” doubles that distance and then maintains it regardless of the horn honking and angry looks in their rear view mirrors.

The “Multi-Tasker” is that woman who is so confident in her ability to control her car that she feels comfortable reading a novel while sipping from a coffee cup and smoking a cigarette. Only putting the coffee and smoke down long enough to text a friend about all of the horrible traffic.

“Speed Racer” … nuff said.

The “Bully” is that guy who stakes out a claim on his freeway position. If you signal to change lanes, the bully will usually speed up to prevent your lane change. Should you be unlucky enough to inadvertently get in front of this guy, he will ride your bumper and honk his horn. He will entertain you with obscene gestures in your rear view mirror and call you names that would make a sailor blush.

The bane of the Bully's existence are the “Merto Hippies”. They have long ago ditched their VW busses and traded them in for Prius’ or so called Smart Cars. They pretend to have purchased their eco-vehicle for the sake of the environment but we know that their real motive was access to the diamond lane. Which is odd because they have such a laissez-faire attitude about driving. They could care less about the flow of traffic. They obviously have no where to go and are not in a hurry to get there. This attitude makes them one of the most dangerous freeway species of all.

“Cool Guy” with the tinted windows and spinning hubcaps attached to low profile tires. They lean so far over in the seat that at first glance they appear to be asleep. These guys can barely see over the dash, let alone control their car.

“Wannabes” jump behind emergency vehicles as if they are part of the emergency response. While its possible that deep down they always wanted to be an ambulance driver, I suspect they simply want to take advantage of everyone else doing the right thing and pulling over to the right.

Another one of my personal favorites is the “Entitled Gentleman”. This guy usually drives a BMW or Mercedes or whatever is most expensive. He has yet to reach that level to where he could helicopter above you little little people, but he is working on it. Until then he is stuck here with the rest of us where he can take some comfort that he has more value than the rest of you rabble. He drives faster than the flow of traffic and changes lanes whenever he pleases because he always has the right of way whether he has the right of way or not.

The “Overly Cautious Driver”. Usually all you see with this one is gray hair and knuckles. They slam on their brakes for a leaf blowing across their path or anything else that startles them. They are oblivious to the stares and dirty looks from all of the above.

This last category is the motorcycle rider. That “Daredevil” on two wheels (also known as organ donors)... who else would split rush hour traffic with all of these personalities in play?

Next time you are in traffic see how many you can spot. And if you dare, have someone you trust identify for you which one you are.