The War to End All Wars
It all started when my
wife took our daughter with her on a trip to see her mother, leaving me to
look after my sons and the sons of family friends. That was all it took.
The complete absence of estrogen was, in my view, the main cause of the all out
war that would soon erupt.
It was my wife’s fault
of course - though she will never admit it. She should never have left
town (and left me in charge). At the time, two of my
friend’s teenaged sons were staying with us. Add me and my two sons
and that's five guys. Alone. Folks, that is a lot of testosterone to leave
unchecked by female intervention.
I had a rare three
days off and I was determined to make it count. I began
making plans the moment I learned of my wife’s trip. I quietly
enlisted the help of my middle child because he was by far the most
devious. By the time my wife left, my devious son and I had already
taken a trip to Toys R Us to buy a "butt-load"
of toy guns - the kind of guns that shot
those little plastic disks about the size of a quarter. I wonder if
they still make those. Anyway, we bought a bunch of them, a bunch
of goggles to protect our eyes, and a TON of ammunition (believe me…
there was a ridiculous amount of ammo available).
As soon as my wife
left we were ready. I doubt her car made it out of the driveway before we
got started. My first-born and my other two victims were oblivious to the
destruction that was about to rain down upon them. We (my devious
middle son and I) almost gave it away though we were giggling so
much. I remember they (our victims, the enemy) were in the
family room playing video games. The first inkling they had that something
was about to go down was when I tossed a plastic bag filled with three
guns, goggles and several boxes of disks on the floor in front of
them. They looked up and saw my devious son and I already goggled
up, weapons loaded.
It didn’t take long
for them to figure it out and they
began laughing and screaming and desperately ripping at the bag. They scrambled
for cover... but it was too late. They hurled threats of dire consequences as
they frantically loaded their weapons, but the threats didn’t stop us. We
unleashed HADES and blasted them mercilessly (aiming for torsos and
butts). By the time they got their goggles on and their ammo loaded
we'd already emptied our weapons and retreated to the fortress we built
earlier… unbeknownst to them.
My son and I had
constructed our fortress using whatever was available. We built it with the
family room couch we had overturned. Our opposition was left with the love
seat, a couple of chairs and the pillows they'd stolen from our couch-fortress
during a daring "midnight raid".
The battlefield was
limited to the living room, the family room, and the kitchen. For the most part
we stayed behind cover in our fortress, only venturing out to get
more ammunition (which lay strewn around the room in
abundance) or to attack when we knew they were low on ammo. The
fighting was relentless and on more than one occasion degraded to hand to hand WWE
style combat and tickling.
I ordered a bunch
of pizzas each day and a truce had to be called when the
delivery guy rang the doorbell. I made it absolutely clear… if anyone took
a shot at me when I left cover to pay the pizza guy there would be
NO PIZZA for them. They weren’t stupid. As soon as the
pizza was paid for and divided up the war recommenced. You ate
whenever and wherever you could. The war raged for three days
with only periodic truces being called for bathroom breaks
(or complete exhaustion). Couches and chairs were overturned; pizza
boxes, candy wrappers and empty soda cans were everywhere.
For three days
nobody showered… for three days no one changed their
clothes. Shirtless smelly bodies darted here and there collecting
ammunition or attacking the enemy. The excited shouts of the victorious
could barely be heard over the painful shrieks of the vanquished!
Hey... War is Hell!
The plan on Day 3 was
to shower, change, and clean up
so we could restore the house to its natural state before
my wife returned.
We lost track of
time.
The war came to a
sudden and abrupt end when she came home unexpectedly - and we were ALL in
BIG trouble. I was in the doghouse for months.
However, that’s not
where the story ends. What we didn’t realize was that those little disks had
gone EVERYWHERE and although we had done our best to collect them all
we'd missed a few. For years
afterward my wife would stumble upon one of those disks and be instantly
reminded of the mess she came home to. If I were away or at work she would tack
it to the front door or tape it to the refrigerator. If I was unlucky enough to
be home she'd hold up the disk and shoot me that angry disapproving
look only wives can give (there must be a special school were they learn stuff
like that because I’ve seen my mom give it to my dad many times).
My sons and I always
had the same reaction: we’d look remorseful and repentant as long as her eyes
were on us but as soon as she turned her back we’d make eye contact and smile.
Because in that instant we were remembering the greatest war... the war we
waged over three days of complete freedom.
It was the kind of war
legends are made of. It was “The War to End All Wars!”
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